i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She told me I should be a condom model.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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