just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He shit in the fireplace
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
