Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
