I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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