This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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