I just threw up on my dentist
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
