My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
