He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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