I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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