OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
