so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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