Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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