i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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