i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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