There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
