and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
