Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm always down for nudity.
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