why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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