I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
