Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
