Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
