chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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