I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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