I love black thongs
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
