i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
