i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
