I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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