She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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