How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
