I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
