It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
