Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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