we have officially lost it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
