and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I'm really busy with my period
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