I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
