Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
