you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
