Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We need to get me chipped asap
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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