I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
