you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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