Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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