you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
