Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
