Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
