My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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