this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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