One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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