Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
