FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Drake has all the answers
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
