why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
