I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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