her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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