I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I won the penis lottery.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
