i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
