I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
