the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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