Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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