I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
