good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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